i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize