I can't breathe out the right side of my face
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
The Olympian is in my bed
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
