I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
