Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
