I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
