What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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