areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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