Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
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