we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
