So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
