I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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