It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
