dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
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