he wants to bone in the snuggie
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
i've created a new STD.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
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