That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
