the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
