I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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