kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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