i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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