I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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