1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
