Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
