How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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