honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
