My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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