You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
