she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Who did Billy Mays play for?
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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