Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize