Cold hands, warm shart.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
