I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
