god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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