My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
