tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
