You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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