i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
