It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Randomize
