Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
