First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
