i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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