hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
