sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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