she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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