Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
