The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
