I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
