Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize