All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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