We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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