just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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