Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
