what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
