someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
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