Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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