listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
