Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize