i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
