Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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