I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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