I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize