how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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