I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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