Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Randomize
