Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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